The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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