I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
