carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
