i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
