You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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