i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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