this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
