Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
