the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
