I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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