I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize