dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
