see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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