I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
