Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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