I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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