so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
