You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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