mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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