I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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