woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
