I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
