I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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