I should be sponsored by Trojan
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
