It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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