Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
