he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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