I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
