If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
