So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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