The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
