Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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