Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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