it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize