Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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