he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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