last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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