if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Randomize
