We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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