Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
