We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
