Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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