I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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