There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
