there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I could fuck to npr.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
