So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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