Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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