i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just cropdusted the office
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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