My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
