gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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