the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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