Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
