how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
