Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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