So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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