zippers are such a cool invention
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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