i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize